I started to write this post before, but then I interrupted myself and I couldn’t save the text so, it simply disappeared. I will write it again, maybe with new informations and some different views.
Forgiveness – it is a big subject, it is something, that I am dealing with at least once a week. Sometimes it’s small situations to forgive, but sometimes there are situations bigger to get through with.
I have at least 2 different types of situations where I have to focus on how to forgive (not to compare to forget), the simple ones are situations, that occur with family and friends, because of simple misunderstanding and wrong information about something, and the heavier ones are those related to family and friends doing the same hurting things and saying/telling me what I’ve done, defines who I am, or these kind of partners, who tries to break a person on a psychological way, trying to push yourself down, so you feel like you’re worth nothing at all.
Well I’ve experienced it all, people, once called friend or even partner trying to put their psychological craziness into my mind to change it or direct me into what they want me to do or think. I’ve also had the situation where I’ve been told that my past will cling to me like a bad smelling bubble gum and I will never get rid of it and should hide or better vanish into nowhere.
How to react, to continue a conversation or relationship with this kind of situation and person?
I’m honest, if I don’t have to see the person again – I won’t – ever, if possible. The normal situation is something different, because usually it is, the closer your relation is to a certain group or person, the easier it becomes to be hurt and to have this situation where you have to forgive.
Once I thought, it is an easy saying to quickly forgive, but how to truly forgive by heart not only by saying?
I can only tell you how it is with me, when I have had situations and assaulting like this I took it inside my heart and mind immediately and kind of locked it inside. Like I wanted to keep this bad feeling, this growing anger and this boiling blood feeling. Why? First I told myself, that the longer I keep it inside, the better, like it would get less bad or like it would become smaller by time and less hurtful. I can tell you – I was wrong. When I kept all this inside it became even worst after time, because you start thinking about it from every possible point of view. And sometimes it can even grow. Finally I realized that I was building my own prison by doing like this.
I started praying, I started asking my heavenly father how to stop me doing this and creating even bigger and stronger chains.
Slowly he showed me what forgiveness means. Somehow I related or even put it on the same stage as forgetting. I thought that forgiving means I will or need to forget as well. Like erasing the situation out of my mind and to easily and quickly return back to a friendship or relation as it was before.
And this turned out to be not true – in my case (and I guess in so many others as well).
I can give you an example out of my past.
I had a partner almost 12 years ago, he had his positive side of character but also a bad side, like jealousy and some kind of forcing character of his way of lifestyle and how he actually wants his and our life to be and become. Being in a relationship with him for over 2 years, living together and even planning to go on some vacation (that we actually never did because of his stingy behaviour) somehow I found to myself and my own worth in Christ and left him. He did hurt me with several things like jealousy, unanswered conversations and wishes for a real and in gods-way-relationship, with unhealthy sexual desires he asked for and finally when I was done with his trying to make me jealous because of his ex-girlfriend he wants to meet and his jealousy of not leaving me to work, I ended this relationship – also he didn’t want to have a family like I did.
After this nearly 3 years of relationship where surely we both tried to arrange the other partner to our lifestyle I felt exhausted and broken, I felt hurt and my heart was injured and first I couldn’t and the most I didn’t want to forgive him all that happened in the past between him and me, but when I broke up with him I started talking to God leading me to forgive him – so that I could be free.
After this part of my life a new part started, I finished my trainee at a big company after 2.5 years and planned a work & travel year in Australia in 2009. Everything was ready and I told myself that I didn’t want anything or anyone to interfere, so I would change my mind again – but it happened. I was invited to a birthday party of a good friend and met my ex-partner, the father of my son. Today I can’t understand what got into my mind, I’ve been on my Australia trip, but instead of being there for 12 months (at least) I’ve shortened it to 2 months. This was a negative thing for my parents, as I used their money for my flight tickets – and of course I excused my decision because of my future plans with him.
I’m not pointing my finger at my ex-partner, because all decisions where mine. When I think back, I’m more likely pointing at myself, giving me full responsibility of what I’ve chosen and asking myself why. I was blaming me, but same as to forgive others I need to forgive myself – and in Jesus Christ we can.
Jesus showed me, that he loves me, that he is patiently waiting for me at the point where I left him because I thought I could run my way in front of him. He is waiting until I return back to him, taking his hand, apologising and receiving his love, his understanding, his comforting and his grace for me.
Back in 2009 I was really focused on me, myself, my wishes, my plans and everything Me-related, I didn’t put God first, I didn’t asked Jesus opinion, I didn’t invited the Holy Spirit to guide me and open my eyes for my heavenly fathers view. And I ran into a brick wall (metaphorically). As I walked with my plan that was fixed in my mind, I was walking completely out of Gods path, I didn’t thought about the right way of things; I just focused on my desires, that included happy family life, having children and if possible (financially) a nice wedding. Maybe you see the point? Thinking back to 2009 I’m asking myself, who was thinking for me, why was I imagine a marriage a “maybe“? So I’ve walked the road real far away from Jesus and didn’t want to return back then, until the curtain fell, when I finally realised that all I’ve planned and wanted and tried by myself was unhealthy and not good for me, same as for my ex-partner.
My ex-Partner wasn’t and sadly isn’t walking with God, and at this point I was still fresh and new to my own relationship to God. Life and some heavy addiction problems of my ex-partner brought me ending our relationship, while I still tried to help him with any support possible, mental, physical and financial until I barely couldn’t support my own small family of two I stopped the financial support.
What I’m trying to tell is, that for everything I’ve done and I’ve decided to do, I am responsible and for those, where I blame myself, where I made mistakes and did wrong, I even need to forgive myself; I need to let go of the past and stop thinking about “what might be if?..” . maybe you have some similar (hopefully less painful) past situations you need to let go and forgive yourself, because the past is gone, what we decided and what we did passed already, we have to live with the outcome, we can thank the Lord for everything he made possible, for every time that he saved us, for every minute he was listening to our smallest prayer, but mostly for always loving us more than we can ever imagine.
Today I want to encourage you to forgive. To forgive others because it will free you. To forgive yourself, because Jesus took it all away so that you could be called a child of God.
I thank you for your interest and your patient reading my life story.
Be blessed – Shalom