Being busy lately

2019 started well and fast, January already passed and February is nearly half way through too. It’s been several weeks since I last updated a post here.

While I just closed my Twitter account today – honestly it was simply too much of social media lately, I think I can continue writing down everything that’s going on here.

Several months now I’m sharing posts on my Instagram account, about my brother in Christ from Gambia. I started a Go Fund Me campaign and still try to raise an amount of money for him to start and complete an educational course so that he will be able to provide and care for his Family. While he is the oldest of his family, his parents died several years ago, his Grandmother is still alive and tries to take care of his younger siblings, he tried to work illegally to earn money. Because this is not an option anymore, we try to collect some money to help him out doing his 2 month course, so he can start working legally with a certificate to survive.

I started a February Challenge which says “$1 for Alieu” – why $1? I posted this on my Instagram, because I thought that with my ~1.800 Followers even $1 would be more than enough. (If everyone would donate 50 cent it would be more than enough) trying to say, that I don’t ask you to give $20 or $10, I just ask for $1 or if you can’t $0.50

Trying to collect as much as possible in February so that Alieu from Gambia can start his course in March this year and finish it at the end of April to be ready for legal work in May! This is our wish, our plan and we hope that it will work with your help!

We thank you very much and send you the Lord’s blessing! Shalom

Tear

I am talking to her about daily topics and immediately my heart starts to ache. One thought comes to my mind and I speak it out loud.

I ask her to go visit my grandfather at the old homes. Years ago he decided to move to this place in hope to be well cared of.

What really put me down emotionally is the fact and the thought, that no one of his family, not his ex-wife, his actual wife or his children are caring much about him. I can understand that it is a matter of distance, a matter of past and what has happened in everyone’s life, still a sudden pain reaches my heart and I start crying, I can’t stop it, the tears are just dropping down my face and when I finally stop crying, I try to find out what exactly happened to me.

So I start praying and receive the answer. My soul was the one crying out loud, because my spirit showed me how my grandfather is lying in his bed all alone, all by himself and in bad condition, not able to move, completely left alone – weeks – no months are passing before his children visit him, as there is always something else, something more important at that time than visiting their father.

My heart is crying as I feel his pain, yes he made wrong decisions, he did wrong things and wasn’t the father he should be for his children, but I feel his pain inside my heart and I keep crying.

The next day, we are at this place where he’s lying, we had to drive for an hour, it is a cute little village and the home is a Christian catholic place – even he’s not catholic still he chose this place, because he felt comfortable in it, when he got there around 6 years ago. Now he is lying in bed all the time, since approx 2 years, staring at the wall in his room, not able to read, not able to talk, not able to turn on the TV. Day by day by day by day.

When I enter his room and see him lying there, not able to move his hands and fingers, I can’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheek. I don’t try to stop them, I just let them down. Is it the sorrow to see the similarities of him and my mother and my aunt? Is it the pain I can nearly feel seeing him lying here not able to move.

I feel powerless because his son who was responsible for him gave away the responsibility to the government and now all other siblings are helpless, not able to claim for their dad to be at their place to be cared of.

I can’t understand, that a man with 5 children is held at an old home while he could be cared of at least at one house. The main point is money, the old home takes a huge amount of money because of the care and the room – I can totally understand that, but I guess it is unfair for those who didn’t have a family at all.

With this I pray to remember the elderly people, your parents, your grandparents because they shouldn’t be forgotten.

Be blessed!

What do you think?

The last days of school holiday and everyone is feeling that it’s time for the school routine and well, even when I remember 6 weeks school holiday wasn’t that long (especially when you’ve been in Indonesia for 4-5 weeks) today it seems to be – even for my kids.

This is possible because we’ve just been away for around a week or so, we’ve been to Den Haag in the Netherlands and stayed in a Hostel. This was such a great experience for the whole family, and a big plus was, the distance to the beach was only 5 min away.

How to stay cool and calm, when you have 6 weeks with 24/7 kids playtime. I didn’t want to plan too much with entry fee or too far away and so everything was spontaneous. Most of the time we visited family and friends, then we’ve been to the Netherlands, to the beach, to the forest and simply outside chillin’ at the pool.

As I realise how fast the children are growing I really feel the urge to do more with them, not only sitting at the dining table, or on the couch; even my oldest told me the other day he wants to spend time together and just walk. I love it! So we decided to take our dog and walk together, we’ve been out for about 2 hours, constantly walking, talking, enjoying these last few days.

I tried to live life with God, to talk to him first in any situation – truth is, I’m still on my way, I’m still practising, learning how to do so and stay in this routine and life, but it happens that the head is running into situations before asking the Heavenly Father. It is a way to go, but I’ll take it step by step and I know that the Lord is with me, helping me with every situation and every problem.

I decided to start a new study plan for myself. It will be about community, the rules, every aspect Jesus wants us to obey, to follow and to love. Why is this topic in my mind? Well first of all it’s been in my mind for a couple of weeks now and I’m sure God is preparing me for something. I’m really looking forward this studies and will let you know of course.

Be blessed

How to love….

Well I wrote a blog post once about forgiveness – this will be a similar one, or one that continuous my journey of forgiveness.

Today I got informed about a situation of bad talk or talk behind my back about me. Well it shouldn’t bother me – but it did.

A short info about the main topic, one of my family member gifted me an old kitchen gadget, while her daughter told her to pullout an essential that, in her words “I should buy myself”. Honestly I didn’t thought a bad thing about it at all, while today the saleswoman told me, that the essential thing should be always within this gadget and usually isn’t available to buy extra. Well, that left me thinking. That’s when I received the answer that the daughter told her to not include it. I really would’ve understand if she could use it afterwards or without this kitchen essential – but this isn’t the fact. It was just some general problem, or maybe a jealous thought of her?

Honestly I would love to bring this gadget back to the daughter and gift it to her, while saying that I want to bless her with Gods peace and Love, but it too made me sort of sad, angry and I don’t know. I’ve been always really more than kind to her, talking, writing and I don’t know, while now I don’t know what image and thought is inside her mind, when she thinks of me. It is sad. But again, I didn’t act without asking my Heavenly Father – I opened his Word, and I know he showed me Matthew, to forgive and bless those who want to harm you. And even if they try to harm you with a bad tongue like she did. I’m sad because I feel sorry for her, but I’m happy because I can bless her with Gods peace.

Sending you blessings

healing Heart

What means music to you, in my life music surrounds me everywhere I go, at home, on the way in the car, everywhere I am, I have at least one song in mind.

It started when I was young that I loved to sing and listen to music, I preferred Indonesian and English songs, sometimes I listened to German ones, then Spanish, French and Italian ones. I have to tell you, the preference is depending on my emotional mood and actual life circumstances, but what is always playing, is praising songs no matter which language. Lately I like to listen to English, Hebrew, Russian and Arabic songs.

Nancy Ajram – Hassa Beek

Nancy Ajram is one Arabic singer with such a beautiful emotional voice. It is such a precious time listening to her songs even without fully understanding the lyric – with her voice, the Arabic language becomes more beautiful than it already is (making the wish to learn this beautiful language more and more).

Yesterday I just turned on YouTube to have some quiet time listening to praise music and I found this new one from Lauren Daigle You Say. It was this moment I had this feeling to grab a laptop and record some songs to upload on my YouTube channel (which is offline right now). Actually I don’t own a laptop anymore, so I try to work with my smartphone and tablet. For now I haven’t found a possibility to record hillsong music the way I did before. Well what to do then? Maybe you know the app #smule – I downloaded it again and sang 2 songs with some other singer. I like it, but it’s not then same as I did before using #GarageBand on my old MacBook. Right now I’m trying to figure out what to do and how to record the praising Hillsong music I want to share with you all.

This will be my new challenge for 2018 I might start in September.

So back to the topic – what does music mean or how does it affect me and my emotions? For me music is a strong instrument, it’s not only the singer and the lyric, sometimes it’s the drummer, the guitar player or another instrument. While I listen to the music I close my eyes, singing along or simply listen to every part and every instrument, as for me even the single instrument is giving me an emotional feeling, or even a throwback in time. They are like small time travels to different places and times and feelings. Good feelings, sad feelings and happy feelings. Music opens a door for me to dive in and stay at a time, where I want to be for a time period.

Music is a blessed time for me, I love to just stay in a song and leave all my thoughts and problems to my Heavenly Father – who is the only one to know exactly what’s inside my heart and what is going on inside my mind. With hillsong music I feel closer to my love Jesus and God. Sometimes it’s really difficult to tell and describe the emotions and feelings – as it’s not possible to find words and descriptions for every emotion. Have you ever felt like this? A feeling you couldn’t find words for?

Sending you the Lords blessing!

Wednesday good night story

This will be just a short entry about my today’s good night story for the kids.

Some hours ago I was listening to Joseph Prince book “live the Let-Go Life” and I’m close to the finish, when Joseph is talking about children, kids and their education, their problems and how to start letting go and let God. Joseph said, that a good routine is always good and you can start telling your children about God, who he is, what we are through Jesus Christ, what Jesus did and why. Start introduce your child to him, and this is what I made and the exciting fact is – my eldest asked me something about God and the people, so it was easy for me to catch up and answer his question and add one or two more facts about God, his character, about Jesus and his never ending Love for us.
The kids fell asleep and I had a calm heart, because I felt and knew that God gave this question so that I could start this new way of “good night story” it’s just changing from those bedtimestories about Princess and Prince or Knights to the beautiful Love Story of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.
I really enjoyed it myself today, because I let myself into his arms and his guidance of where this telling would leave and what I would tell my kids actually. And you know what? As soon as I stopped directing myself, it was so easy and every word and every sentence came out just by itself and gave my kids the peace and rest they need.
Now they are fast asleep and so will I – after turning on another 15 min of Joseph Prince “live the Let-Go Life”.

Have a blessed night to you all!

Forgiveness

I started to write this post before, but then I interrupted myself and I couldn’t save the text so, it simply disappeared. I will write it again, maybe with new informations and some different views.

Forgiveness – it is a big subject, it is something, that I am dealing with at least once a week. Sometimes it’s small situations to forgive, but sometimes there are situations bigger to get through with.

I have at least 2 different types of situations where I have to focus on how to forgive (not to compare to forget), the simple ones are situations, that occur with family and friends, because of simple misunderstanding and wrong information about something, and the heavier ones are those related to family and friends doing the same hurting things and saying/telling me what I’ve done, defines who I am, or these kind of partners, who tries to break a person on a psychological way, trying to push yourself down, so you feel like you’re worth nothing at all.
Well I’ve experienced it all, people, once called friend or even partner trying to put their psychological craziness into my mind to change it or direct me into what they want me to do or think. I’ve also had the situation where I’ve been told that my past will cling to me like a bad smelling bubble gum and I will never get rid of it and should hide or better vanish into nowhere.
How to react, to continue a conversation or relationship with this kind of situation and person?
I’m honest, if I don’t have to see the person again – I won’t – ever, if possible. The normal situation is something different, because usually it is, the closer your relation is to a certain group or person, the easier it becomes to be hurt and to have this situation where you have to forgive.

Once I thought, it is an easy saying to quickly forgive, but how to truly forgive by heart not only by saying?
I can only tell you how it is with me, when I have had situations and assaulting like this I took it inside my heart and mind immediately and kind of locked it inside. Like I wanted to keep this bad feeling, this growing anger and this boiling blood feeling. Why? First I told myself, that the longer I keep it inside, the better, like it would get less bad or like it would become smaller by time and less hurtful. I can tell you – I was wrong. When I kept all this inside it became even worst after time, because you start thinking about it from every possible point of view. And sometimes it can even grow. Finally I realized that I was building my own prison by doing like this.
I started praying, I started asking my heavenly father how to stop me doing this and creating even bigger and stronger chains.
Slowly he showed me what forgiveness means. Somehow I related or even put it on the same stage as forgetting. I thought that forgiving means I will or need to forget as well. Like erasing the situation out of my mind and to easily and quickly return back to a friendship or relation as it was before.
And this turned out to be not true – in my case (and I guess in so many others as well).

I can give you an example out of my past.
I had a partner almost 12 years ago, he had his positive side of character but also a bad side, like jealousy and some kind of forcing character of his way of lifestyle and how he actually wants his and our life to be and become. Being in a relationship with him for over 2 years, living together and even planning to go on some vacation (that we actually never did because of his stingy behaviour) somehow I found to myself and my own worth in Christ and left him. He did hurt me with several things like jealousy, unanswered conversations and wishes for a real and in gods-way-relationship, with unhealthy sexual desires he asked for and finally when I was done with his trying to make me jealous because of his ex-girlfriend he wants to meet and his jealousy of not leaving me to work, I ended this relationship – also he didn’t want to have a family like I did.

After this nearly 3 years of relationship where surely we both tried to arrange the other partner to our lifestyle I felt exhausted and broken, I felt hurt and my heart was injured and first I couldn’t and the most I didn’t want to forgive him all that happened in the past between him and me, but when I broke up with him I started talking to God leading me to forgive him – so that I could be free.

After this part of my life a new part started, I finished my trainee at a big company after 2.5 years and planned a work & travel year in Australia in 2009. Everything was ready and I told myself that I didn’t want anything or anyone to interfere, so I would change my mind again – but it happened. I was invited to a birthday party of a good friend and met my ex-partner, the father of my son. Today I can’t understand what got into my mind, I’ve been on my Australia trip, but instead of being there for 12 months (at least) I’ve shortened it to 2 months. This was a negative thing for my parents, as I used their money for my flight tickets – and of course I excused my decision because of my future plans with him.

I’m not pointing my finger at my ex-partner, because all decisions where mine. When I think back, I’m more likely pointing at myself, giving me full responsibility of what I’ve chosen and asking myself why. I was blaming me, but same as to forgive others I need to forgive myself – and in Jesus Christ we can.

Jesus showed me, that he loves me, that he is patiently waiting for me at the point where I left him because I thought I could run my way in front of him. He is waiting until I return back to him, taking his hand, apologising and receiving his love, his understanding, his comforting and his grace for me.

Back in 2009 I was really focused on me, myself, my wishes, my plans and everything Me-related, I didn’t put God first, I didn’t asked Jesus opinion, I didn’t invited the Holy Spirit to guide me and open my eyes for my heavenly fathers view. And I ran into a brick wall (metaphorically). As I walked with my plan that was fixed in my mind, I was walking completely out of Gods path, I didn’t thought about the right way of things; I just focused on my desires, that included happy family life, having children and if possible (financially) a nice wedding. Maybe you see the point? Thinking back to 2009 I’m asking myself, who was thinking for me, why was I imagine a marriage a “maybe“? So I’ve walked the road real far away from Jesus and didn’t want to return back then, until the curtain fell, when I finally realised that all I’ve planned and wanted and tried by myself was unhealthy and not good for me, same as for my ex-partner.

My ex-Partner wasn’t and sadly isn’t walking with God, and at this point I was still fresh and new to my own relationship to God. Life and some heavy addiction problems of my ex-partner brought me ending our relationship, while I still tried to help him with any support possible, mental, physical and financial until I barely couldn’t support my own small family of two I stopped the financial support.

What I’m trying to tell is, that for everything I’ve done and I’ve decided to do, I am responsible and for those, where I blame myself, where I made mistakes and did wrong, I even need to forgive myself; I need to let go of the past and stop thinking about “what might be if?..” . maybe you have some similar (hopefully less painful) past situations you need to let go and forgive yourself, because the past is gone, what we decided and what we did passed already, we have to live with the outcome, we can thank the Lord for everything he made possible, for every time that he saved us, for every minute he was listening to our smallest prayer, but mostly for always loving us more than we can ever imagine.

Today I want to encourage you to forgive. To forgive others because it will free you. To forgive yourself, because Jesus took it all away so that you could be called a child of God.

I thank you for your interest and your patient reading my life story.

Be blessed – Shalom